Healing after Trauma: The power of fashion and style to help

Pain is inevitable. Healing is optional.

We need to accept our whole lives to integrate and heal ourselves. This post and video is about trauma, healing and hope, using my life as example that we can indeed rise again, and again, and again.

The Song Rise Again by Canadian Folk/Country Group the Rankin Family has always touched my heart and often brought me to tears. I decided to make a video to celebrate my life as well as my mom.

This one is a personal message, but also a message of hope, that we can indeed Rise Again after tragedy and trauma.

I was the only daughter in a home full of boys and my sick mother. I learned early (unconsciously and unknowingly) that girls were the wrong gender and that we were “weaker.” Emotions were also forbidden. We were taught to suck it up and deal, which meant push it down and deny that anything was wrong.

It was difficult and draining. I was only 12 or 13 when I realized my mother was slowly dying. My family had an unspoken family rule of “what happens in the family stays in the family,” so there was no where to lament the inner torment of emotional abuse and watching my mother slowly die. Even if we had been able to express it, the area of grief psychology was only starting to recognize chronic sorrow and complicated grief from ambiguous loss such as a prolonged death from serious illness.

I also learned that it was not safe to show any outward signs of being too feminine. I bought makeup and books on how to do makeup and hid them in my dresser drawers so I would not be caught and tormented by my brothers. It was safe to be one of the guys. It was not safe to be the lone female (after mom moved to the nursing home). I also walked the tightrope of cultural problems with the way women are expected to dress, such as wanting to feel pretty without being considered promiscuous. It was enough to make anyone’s head spin.

I had terrible self esteem, but still a knack for style and I dressed in pretty, coordinated clothing that mostly looked good on me. Then….

Mom died. My world died. No language or space was allowed for my grief. I took some brief counselling that helped for the immediate aftermath. And then…

I finished university. I got married. I started a Master’s Degree, but gave it up and had kids. I stayed home to run a home daycare and I as a person got lost in the mix of motherhood, wifehood, and dayhome. I got signed as a lifestyle model (I was too old and short and ahm “fat”, to do international modelling) with a local modelling agency, and I got further trained in personal style by taking image consulting courses and makeup artistry courses. Sadly, I still had low self-esteem and the unrelenting pressure of 10 years of unprocessed complicated grief caught up to me and I crashed. I was in deep depression, and some days were so hard that it was a miracle I made it from the bed to the couch. But I noticed the days that I got dressed made a huge difference from the days I stayed in my pajamas. I started intensive counselling to deal with all the trauma and grief. I started learning that I mattered and to forgive and heal. I started to apply in depth what I had learned from my personal style courses to myself. I started a style blog. I started the complex style journey of learning what I liked, what I didn’t, what looked good on me, what didn’t. I learned through a lot of trial and error what kind of clothing helped me feel supported, comfortable, and beautiful. Eventually…..

I learned what type of hairstyle that I loved, which did not involve the cultural expectation of long hair for women. I like it very short. This supports me as an individual and as a woman. I learned that I am allowed to be confident, and dress confidently. I learned that there are ups and downs in life and clothing can support me emotionally to navigate those challenges. I learned that it is not shameful to wear attractive clothing, and look beautiful.

I learned I can be strong, powerful, AND female. I learned that clothing can support me in this.

I learned to speak my needs and wants and desires. I got reaccepted to my Master’s Degree and finished it. In my thesis, I interviewed several women about their emotional experiences with clothing and learned in even more depth of the intricate and intimate connection between clothing, emotions, and self identity for women.

So what does my journey have to do with you?

I hoped to illustrate in this blog post the powerful connection that including style in my healing had for increasing my self-acceptance, self-compassion, and self-worth. It was hard to look in the mirror and feel kind toward myself if I thought I looked drab or ugly. But, only changing the outside doesn’t really work either. I did this in the beginning. I turned to the fashion industry to learn to look good. And I looked stunning, but felt sad inside, needing the external validation from the compliments I would receive. So I continued to do the internal work, and slowly, but surely, my feelings of self worth improved.

I’ve seen women do the opposite where they the internal work without giving much consideration to their physical appearance. This can have unintentional negative consequences because (sadly, but truly) we are judged by the way we appear. I suppose people can say it doesn’t matter, and in a perfect world, it shouldn’t. But it does matter, and I suggest that the best results come from doing the internal feelings work alongside the external fashion work. And I can help you do both.

Allow me to help you learn how clothing can support you physically and emotionally in discovering more of who you are and expressing yourself to the world.

Phone me at 403-966-5896 or email me at fiona@stylebyfiona.com for help with counselling and style services.

Blessings,